Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize