he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
God, I missed his penis.
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