I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
