if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
