my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize