Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
