my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
