Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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