I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
