Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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