Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
