Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
