New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
