in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
