I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wear drunk well.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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