I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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