It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
