nut hugger
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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