I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ketchup is God's man juice
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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