I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
