I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
