Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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