i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
