It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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