the condom got lost in my hair
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
