I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
