I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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