I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
