Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
