Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Non-Jews are for practice
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
