Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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