if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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