who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
