I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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