dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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