I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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