We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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