If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
