do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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