Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize