I will die if light touches me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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