i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
