I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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