whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
