Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
