Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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