Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
