i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
