The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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