I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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