Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
