we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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