What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This girl is more easily done than said...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
