she woke up with a sticky ear
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
