Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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