I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am one with the molecules
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
