I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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