my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
