Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
