Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
