sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
