Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
