I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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