they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
